Letterman: Top 10 DNC Pick Up Lines

It may be a few days late, but here are Letterman's (a bit on the risqué side)...

Top Ten Democratic National Convention Pickup Lines

10. Wanna form a more perfect union?

9. Something's rising and it's not the national debt

8. I'm stiffer than John Kerry

7. Let's go someplace and release our delegates

6. Care to join the wife and me for a little 'bipartisanship'?

5. I'll make you scream like Howard Dean

4. Now that's what I call a stimulus package

3. I'm gonna Barack your world

2. Wanna pretend we're Republicans and have gay bathroom sex?

1. Hi, I'm John Edwards

And here are some that failed to make the cut:

• Play your cards right and I'll get you in to hear the speech by Illinois State Comptroller Dan Hynes

• How'd you like to be on the cover of National Enquirer?

• Has anyone ever said you look like a young Madeline Albright?

• Where does a guy go to get Spitzer'd?

• Wanna see a nude photo of New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson?

Letterman: Obama Top 10s

Top Ten Questions on the Barack Obama Running Mate Application

10. "How much experience do you have doing nothing?"

9. "Do you have any crazy clergymen we should know about?"

8. "Will you help your oil company buddies achieve record profits by screwing consumers?"

7. "How many friends do you have on Facebook?"

6. "Can your charisma and vitality match the high standard set by Dick Cheney?"

5. "Do you see yourself as more of an Al Gore blowhard or a Dan Quayle boob?"

4. "Do you think the Yankees should move Joba back to bullpen?"

3. "Any idea what happened on the season finale of 'Lost'?"

2. "Ever slept with Barbara Walters?"

1. "By any chance do you know where Osama bin Laden is?"

Top 10 Messages Left on Barack Obama's Answering Machine

10. "It's Eliot Spitzer - let's get some girls and celebrate!"

9. "John McCain here, I...crap, I forgot why I called"

8. "This is Al Gore, don't make the same mistake I did and win the popular vote"

7. "It's John McCain again. What is this some kind of machine that answers the phone?"

6. "This is John Kerry; are you interested in a subscription to 'Sports Illustrated'?"

5. "You've just made a powerful enemy of The Pantsuit Manufacturers of America"

4. "It's Randy Jackson. Your last speech? Little pitchy, dawg"

3. "Mitt Romney here. Have you thought about switching conditioners?"

2. "Hillary calling; I'm still prepared to offer you the Vice President position"

1. "Oprah here; I helped you get the nomination now will you help me get rid of Dr. Phil"

Top Ten Surprising Facts about Barack Obama

Last night on Letterman Barack Obama delivered the Top 10 Surprising Facts about Barack Obama, live from South Bend, Indiana (home to many great Americans).

My Top 10 Political Movies

**Disclaimer** I haven't seen many of the most acclaimed political movies such as: Bulworth, The Candidate, Doctor Strangelove, Election, and (the original) Manchurian Candidate

Here is a list of my 10 favorite movies about American politics. This isn't a list of the best movies (so 1949's All the King's Men is left off), but the ones I enjoy the most:

10. Dave (1993)- One of the great fantasy movies ever. A regular guy winds up president. It makes you wonder what you'd do in the Oval Office, and lament that the country has to be run by those hardened enough to make it to the top.

9. Citizen Kane (1941)- It drags on a bit, but over 65 years after its release, Citizen Kane still holds up as relevant and chilling. Maybe that's why AFI ranks it as the greatest movie ever made.

8. Charlie Wilson's War (2007)- Takes (more than) a few liberties with the true story of America's proxy war in Afghanistan, which was the crossroads of modern- American history. In one dramatic turn we exchanged Red Soviets for Radical Islamic fundamentalists. Great writing (Sorkin) and acting (Hanks, Hoffman).

7. JFK (1991)- Makes Charlie Wilson's War look like a documentary, but Oliver Stone provides a riveting account of what many don't realize is a true story- Jim Garrison's prosecution of Clay Shaw for the murder of John Kennedy in 1967. The trial may have been bunk, but the movie is excellent, especially the scene with Donald Sutherland around the Reflecting Pool.

6. Wag the Dog (1997)- The meeting of Hollywood and DC, this satire was a poignant comment on the state of American democracy, media, and culture.

5. All the President's Men (1976)- Chilling performances that brought home Watergate. It's scary 'cause it's true.

4. 13 Days (2000)- For a guy who's been in a lot of terrible movies, Kevin Costner has been in a lot of great movies. The film taught a new generation about the earth- rattling days of the Cuban missile crisis. The taut pace earns this un- romanticized portrayal high marks.

3. Nixon (1995)- A stunning portrait of one of the most tragic American figures, whose greatest strengths led to his shocking fall. Stone chronicles the painful trip from a depressed California farm, to the White House, to disgrace, and does justice to a man who had the faculties and opportunity for greatness, but failed to overcome himself.

2. Mr. Smith Goes to Washington (1939)- The classic American film of idealism, cynicism and redemption. A lot like Dave, only a lot better.

1. Primary Colors (1998)- The movie has everything: drama, laughs, and surprises. It's the quintessential tale of American politics because it runs the gamut and doesn't oversimplify- it covers the excitement and tedium of campaigns, and its characters appeal to our ideals, but shock us with their flaws. It's also endless fun to figure out on whom each character is based, in this satire of Bill Clinton's 1992 campaign.

Letterman: Top 10 Eliot Spitzer Excuses

Letterman: Top 10 Ralph Nader Campaign Slogans

I tried my hand at this topic last week. Here's Letterman's...

Top 10 Ralph Nader Campaign Solgans

10. Fund universal health care by making Wesley Snipes pay his taxes

9. Give the presidency a rumpled, Walter Matthau quality

8. The freezing over of Hell should solve our global warming crisis

7. Get those people off that island in "Lost"

6. Send Gary Busey in to annoy and confuse our enemies

5. Can fill out a pantsuit better than Hillary

4. Will hover in polls between 1% and "Statistically Insignificant"

3. Force Starbucks to identify their sizes "Small," "Medium," and "Large" -- am I right people?

2. Will not sleep with lobbyists, or for that matter anyone else

1. Get Bush re-elected like in 2000

Letterman: Top 10 Signs John McCain is getting too cocky

**Update** McCain certainly has reason to be cocky today, as Mitt Romney suspended his presidential campaign. In the words of Ferris Bueller: "Are you still here? It's over."

Top Ten Signs John McCain Is Getting Too Cocky

10. Canceled tomorrow's campaign appearances so he doesn't miss "Lost"

9. Spent the afternoon roughing up Romney supporters

8. Last night, he blew half campaign war chest playing internet poker

7. Already working on his 2012 re-election strategy

6. Plans to campaign for the next three days in "Vodkachusetts"

5. Recently told voter "Keep that ugly ass baby away from me"

4. Now refers to Mike Huckabee as "Mike Suckabee"

3. Has started yelling, "Bingo!" when he doesn't even have bingo (come on, folks, he's old!)

2. Renamed his campaign bus the "Bite Me Express"

1. Went to Mexico with Jessica Simpson

And on the Late Show Website, they provide these additional entries that make didn't make the cut:

· Already standing in front of White House yelling at kids to get off his lawn

· Yesterday in Arizona, invited press to watch him vote three times

· The new "Commander-in-Chief" tattoo on his ass

· He's taking a break from campaigning to tour with Hannah Montana

· Taking time off from campaign so he can compete on 'American Gladiators'

· Ends every speech by daring guys to come up and fight him

· Telling everyone to call him by his rap name: McDiddy

· "Straight Talk Express" now has stripper pole

· Devoting all his campaign money to the primary in Oaxaca

Letterman: Top 10 Rejected Titles for the George W. Bush Movie

I've been doing a lot of Letterman stuff recently, but I have to post this because they did a Top 10 list that mirrored my post from last week.

Here's the list...

10. "Jackass 3"

9. "The Lyin' King"

8. "The Departed As Of January 20th, 2009"

7. "Stop Or My Vice President Will Shoot"

6. "Dial M For Moron"

5. "Das Boob"

4. "When Sally Met Cheney's Daughter"

3. "White Men Can't Govern"

2. "The Nightmare Before Hillary"

1. "Raging Bull****"

It's good stuff, we had one identical entry... here's my link.

Letterman: Top 10 Barack Obama Campaign Promises

Letterman: Top 10 Reasons Why I, Homer Simpson, Should Be the Next President

From May 17, 2007

10. I'm smarter than the last guy

9. With an oval office, I can't bump into anything

8. Fox News is already on my side

7. I will take full advantage of the free food that comes with the job

6. I have enormous experience apologizing for failed decisions

5. I will appoint a Secretary of Donuts

4. I will be the Secretary of Donuts

3. My middle name isn't Hussein... anymore

2. My vice president will be Mayor McCheese

1. Kick-ass inauguration party! Bring a six pack and you're in

Letterman: Top 10 George W. Bush Ideas for Stimulating the Economy

From January 23, 2008

10. Send troops to invade U.S. Mint

9. Oprah gives everybody a new car

8. Turn Grand Canyon into a giant national "Have a penny, leave a penny" jar

7. Cheney threatens to shoot treasury secretary in the face

6. Plans to fix economy in third term

5. Replace Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke with briefcase babes from "Deal or No Deal"

4. Send elite team of economists to rob Mick Jagger's apartment*

3. Ahhh -- somebody help...Cloverfield monster...Run for your lives!

2. Maybe not spending a billion dollars a month in Iraq?**

1. Forget the economy -- why doesn't someone try stimulating Condoleezza?

*- This was the plot to a failed (but acclaimed) sitcom Letterman produced called Knights of Prosperity

**- The war in Iraq costs $9bn/ month

Top 10 Hillary Clinton Campaign Promises

Sen. Hillary Clinton was recently on David Letterman to announce her Top 10 campaign promises:

10. Bring stability and long term security to The View.

9. Each year, on my birthday, every American gets a free cupcake.

8. You will have the option of rolling dice against the IRS for double or nothing on your taxes.

7. If you're having trouble getting a flight and Air Force 1 is available, it's yours.

6. My Vice President will never shoot a guy in the face.

5. Turn Gitmo into a Dairy Queen.

4. For over a century there have been only 2 Dakotas... I plan to double that.

3. We will finally have a president who doesn't mind pulling over and asking for directions--- am I right ladies???

2. I will appoint a committee to find out what the heck is happening on Lost.

1. One more pants-suit joke and Letterman disappears.