Blago on Letterman

Blagojevich: I've been wanting to be on your show in the worst way for the longest time.

Letterman: Well, you're on in the worst way, believe me.

After a New York Minute

The debacle over Hillary Clinton's Senate seat mercifully ended, but not without significant political fallout. It was an unfortunate affair for pretty much everyone involved, particularly Governor David Paterson, who has been roundly criticized (and outright mocked) for his handling of the situation.

Caroline Kennedy's interest in the assignment was clearly problematic for Paterson. An accidental governor, he was sure to face a tough reelection battle in 2010 and probably a primary challenge as well. The Senate seat provided Paterson a way to clear a Democratic rival with designs on his job-- I'm thinking specifically of Attorney General Andrew Cuomo, son of popular former Governor Mario, but I'm sure there are others-- but Kennedy's hat in the ring threatened that chance.

My expectation was for Paterson to wait for Kennedy to lose momentum and hopefully fall out of favor with the electorate, which never knew her as a pol. Things appeared to be headed that way as she struggled in initial interviews, and polls said voters preferred the attorney general for the job.

But then things took an ugly and surprising turn.

Just as Hillary Clinton was set to be confirmed as Secretary of State, whispers circulated that Kennedy would withdraw her name for personal reasons. Paterson could have left it at that. Instead, sources close to the governor trashed Kennedy, saying the Paterson would not have nominated her anyway because of nanny and/or tax and/or marriage problems. Though he denied knowing who was behind the leaks, Paterson was derided by everyone from Maureen Dowd to David Letterman, and the New York Post's Fred Dicker called him a liar in a detailed report.

Perhaps stranger still, Paterson did not nominate Cuomo, but chose Kristin Gillibrand instead. A one term Congresswoman with (according to Dowd) a less than stellar reputation in the House, Gillibrand has been a friend to the NRA, and stood with former Senate Republican Al D'Amato at her annoucement. However, She fills two of Paterson's main public criteria: She's a woman and from upstate. Presumably, this is Paterson's attempt to build support in the region and appeal to female voters.

But she fails on another key component. As an unfamiliar name, Sen. Gillibrand will have difficulty raising the money or generating the enthusiasm necessary for what will be at least three elections in two years: a primary battle before a special election in 2010, the election itself and the race when the seat's actual term expires in 2012.

She also leaves the 20th district ripe for a Republican pick- off in 2010.

I understand the desire for upstate influence, but about 63% of New Yorkers live in the city, on Long Island or in Westchester county. Picking a woman to fill the seat is also commendable, but Gillibrand's gender is not enough to ensure female support, and any gains may be outweighed by the fallout from liberals and those upset over the Kennedy smears.

Gillibrand deserves a fair shot as senator, and upstaters deserve a voice. But Paterson's decision remains curious. If he wanted to avoid naming Cuomo, who had a messy divorce from Kennedy's cousin Kerry in 2003, out of respect for the Kennedy clan, why the disparaging leaks? If he wanted to use the pick as a political opportunity why not a) pick Cuomo, b) pick Kennedy (with her Obama and Bloomberg ties, deep pockets and wealthy friends) or c) pick a place- holder closely allied with Hillary like my rep. Nita Lowey (although she denied interest in the job).

Whatever the answers, interesting questions abound. And the next couple of years in New York politics should be unpredictable.

Let's look at the winners and losers:

The losers are obvious.

• Caroline Kennedy. She struggled through a three month political career.
• New Yorkers. We lost out on a senator with unparalleled access to the president at a tumultuous time.
• David Paterson. The year he has to live this down before he'll have to mount a primary campaign may not be enough, and he looks more vulnerable than ever.

The winners are less clear.

• The Clintons. They can't be too upset that one of Obama's biggest primary backers has been embarrassed, and won't get Hillary's old job.
• Chuck Schumer. Who is now, without a doubt, the top dog in New York politics, especially after Mayor Bloomberg and his camp stuck their necks out for Caroline.
• Andrew Cuomo. He'd probably prefer to be governor, and, through a series of bizarre events going back to Eliot Spitzer, has a golden opportunity.
  

The Best Christmas Song

In the spirit of the holidays, here's my favorite holiday song... It's not Christmas without "Christmas (Please Come Home)" by Darlene Love. The studio version is here, but this Letterman performance from '05 is pretty amazing.

Saturday Night Clips

Check out this hilarious impression Fred Armisan unveiled of NY Gov. David Paterson on Saturday Night Live.


Seth Myers and Amy Poehler ask Rod Blagojevich REALLY?!?



And this is an old clip, but it's of SNL alum Tracy Morgan on Letterman. It has probably the best line in the history of American television or f interviews in general. The entire thing is great, but go to the 3:18 mark for the best part...



Morgan currently stars on the best show on TV, 30 Rock.

The best line from this week's episode was:

Liz Lemon: Do you know the post master general?

Jack Donaghy: I do but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. If I want to lick a hippie, I'll return one of Joan Baez's phone calls.

Letterman: Top Ten Things Overheard at Sarah Palin's Debate Camp

Top Ten Things Overheard at Sarah Palin's Debate Camp

10. "Let's practice your bewildered silence"

9. "Can you try saying 'Yes' instead of 'You betcha'?"

8. "Hey, I can see Mexico from here!"

7. "Maybe we'll get lucky and there won't be any questions about Iraq, taxes, or health care"

6. "We're screwed!"

5. "Can I just use that lipstick-pit bull thing again?"

4. "We have to wrap it up for the day -- McCain eats dinner at 4:30"

3. "Can we get Congress to bail us out of this debate?"

2. "John Edwards wants to know if you'd like some private tutoring in his van"

1. "Any way we can just get Tina Fey to do it?"

Letterman: Top 10 DNC Pick Up Lines

It may be a few days late, but here are Letterman's (a bit on the risqué side)...

Top Ten Democratic National Convention Pickup Lines

10. Wanna form a more perfect union?

9. Something's rising and it's not the national debt

8. I'm stiffer than John Kerry

7. Let's go someplace and release our delegates

6. Care to join the wife and me for a little 'bipartisanship'?

5. I'll make you scream like Howard Dean

4. Now that's what I call a stimulus package

3. I'm gonna Barack your world

2. Wanna pretend we're Republicans and have gay bathroom sex?

1. Hi, I'm John Edwards

And here are some that failed to make the cut:

• Play your cards right and I'll get you in to hear the speech by Illinois State Comptroller Dan Hynes

• How'd you like to be on the cover of National Enquirer?

• Has anyone ever said you look like a young Madeline Albright?

• Where does a guy go to get Spitzer'd?

• Wanna see a nude photo of New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson?

Cool/ Not Cool

David Letterman has a new hilarious segment called: Cool/ Not Cool. This clip features a cool Barack Obama and an uncool... well I don't want to spoil the surprise, take a look.

Letterman: Obama Top 10s

Top Ten Questions on the Barack Obama Running Mate Application

10. "How much experience do you have doing nothing?"

9. "Do you have any crazy clergymen we should know about?"

8. "Will you help your oil company buddies achieve record profits by screwing consumers?"

7. "How many friends do you have on Facebook?"

6. "Can your charisma and vitality match the high standard set by Dick Cheney?"

5. "Do you see yourself as more of an Al Gore blowhard or a Dan Quayle boob?"

4. "Do you think the Yankees should move Joba back to bullpen?"

3. "Any idea what happened on the season finale of 'Lost'?"

2. "Ever slept with Barbara Walters?"

1. "By any chance do you know where Osama bin Laden is?"

Top 10 Messages Left on Barack Obama's Answering Machine

10. "It's Eliot Spitzer - let's get some girls and celebrate!"

9. "John McCain here, I...crap, I forgot why I called"

8. "This is Al Gore, don't make the same mistake I did and win the popular vote"

7. "It's John McCain again. What is this some kind of machine that answers the phone?"

6. "This is John Kerry; are you interested in a subscription to 'Sports Illustrated'?"

5. "You've just made a powerful enemy of The Pantsuit Manufacturers of America"

4. "It's Randy Jackson. Your last speech? Little pitchy, dawg"

3. "Mitt Romney here. Have you thought about switching conditioners?"

2. "Hillary calling; I'm still prepared to offer you the Vice President position"

1. "Oprah here; I helped you get the nomination now will you help me get rid of Dr. Phil"

Top Ten Surprising Facts about Barack Obama

Last night on Letterman Barack Obama delivered the Top 10 Surprising Facts about Barack Obama, live from South Bend, Indiana (home to many great Americans).

Dick Cheney: That's Funny!

Letterman & McCain trade Barbs

Senator John McCain went on Letterman last night, despite the late- night comics constant jokes about his age. He showed good humor, especially for a guy whose high school nickname was McNasty.

Letterman: Top 10 Eliot Spitzer Excuses

Letterman: Top 10 Ralph Nader Campaign Slogans

I tried my hand at this topic last week. Here's Letterman's...

Top 10 Ralph Nader Campaign Solgans

10. Fund universal health care by making Wesley Snipes pay his taxes

9. Give the presidency a rumpled, Walter Matthau quality

8. The freezing over of Hell should solve our global warming crisis

7. Get those people off that island in "Lost"

6. Send Gary Busey in to annoy and confuse our enemies

5. Can fill out a pantsuit better than Hillary

4. Will hover in polls between 1% and "Statistically Insignificant"

3. Force Starbucks to identify their sizes "Small," "Medium," and "Large" -- am I right people?

2. Will not sleep with lobbyists, or for that matter anyone else

1. Get Bush re-elected like in 2000

Letterman on McCain: He's Old

Letterman: Top 10 Signs John McCain is getting too cocky

**Update** McCain certainly has reason to be cocky today, as Mitt Romney suspended his presidential campaign. In the words of Ferris Bueller: "Are you still here? It's over."

Top Ten Signs John McCain Is Getting Too Cocky

10. Canceled tomorrow's campaign appearances so he doesn't miss "Lost"

9. Spent the afternoon roughing up Romney supporters

8. Last night, he blew half campaign war chest playing internet poker

7. Already working on his 2012 re-election strategy

6. Plans to campaign for the next three days in "Vodkachusetts"

5. Recently told voter "Keep that ugly ass baby away from me"

4. Now refers to Mike Huckabee as "Mike Suckabee"

3. Has started yelling, "Bingo!" when he doesn't even have bingo (come on, folks, he's old!)

2. Renamed his campaign bus the "Bite Me Express"

1. Went to Mexico with Jessica Simpson

And on the Late Show Website, they provide these additional entries that make didn't make the cut:

· Already standing in front of White House yelling at kids to get off his lawn

· Yesterday in Arizona, invited press to watch him vote three times

· The new "Commander-in-Chief" tattoo on his ass

· He's taking a break from campaigning to tour with Hannah Montana

· Taking time off from campaign so he can compete on 'American Gladiators'

· Ends every speech by daring guys to come up and fight him

· Telling everyone to call him by his rap name: McDiddy

· "Straight Talk Express" now has stripper pole

· Devoting all his campaign money to the primary in Oaxaca

Letterman: Top 10 Rejected Titles for the George W. Bush Movie

I've been doing a lot of Letterman stuff recently, but I have to post this because they did a Top 10 list that mirrored my post from last week.

Here's the list...

10. "Jackass 3"

9. "The Lyin' King"

8. "The Departed As Of January 20th, 2009"

7. "Stop Or My Vice President Will Shoot"

6. "Dial M For Moron"

5. "Das Boob"

4. "When Sally Met Cheney's Daughter"

3. "White Men Can't Govern"

2. "The Nightmare Before Hillary"

1. "Raging Bull****"

It's good stuff, we had one identical entry... here's my link.

Letterman: Top 10 Barack Obama Campaign Promises

Letterman: Top 10 Reasons Why I, Homer Simpson, Should Be the Next President

From May 17, 2007

10. I'm smarter than the last guy

9. With an oval office, I can't bump into anything

8. Fox News is already on my side

7. I will take full advantage of the free food that comes with the job

6. I have enormous experience apologizing for failed decisions

5. I will appoint a Secretary of Donuts

4. I will be the Secretary of Donuts

3. My middle name isn't Hussein... anymore

2. My vice president will be Mayor McCheese

1. Kick-ass inauguration party! Bring a six pack and you're in

Letterman: Top 10 George W. Bush Ideas for Stimulating the Economy

From January 23, 2008

10. Send troops to invade U.S. Mint

9. Oprah gives everybody a new car

8. Turn Grand Canyon into a giant national "Have a penny, leave a penny" jar

7. Cheney threatens to shoot treasury secretary in the face

6. Plans to fix economy in third term

5. Replace Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke with briefcase babes from "Deal or No Deal"

4. Send elite team of economists to rob Mick Jagger's apartment*

3. Ahhh -- somebody help...Cloverfield monster...Run for your lives!

2. Maybe not spending a billion dollars a month in Iraq?**

1. Forget the economy -- why doesn't someone try stimulating Condoleezza?

*- This was the plot to a failed (but acclaimed) sitcom Letterman produced called Knights of Prosperity

**- The war in Iraq costs $9bn/ month

Dick Cheney vs. Nancy Pelosi: The Blink-Off

Writing that last post on Nancy Pelosi reminded me of this hilarious bit Letterman did after January's State of the Union address.

I think they went back and did it with another clip later, but I couldn't find that one.